I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
