I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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