I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we're making bets on your personal life
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
