I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
50% drunk capacity currently
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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