I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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