time to smoke my breakfast
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
