I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
