By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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