areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How's work?
Spinning.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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