it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Use "feeling words"
Yay
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Text me some of your sweat
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
