I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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