My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
