There is no way he is gay with that hair.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
