i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
