Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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