im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
