Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
