he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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