the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
