I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
