You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
