If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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