I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
