the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
