chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
