dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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