I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
