Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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