I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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