Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
