i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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