Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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