Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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