i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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