Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just made my gag reflex go away.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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