Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
