Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
