I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
