either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
