Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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