I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
