Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
