saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
