Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
