So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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