i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
