His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
