she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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