Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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