I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
