Banned from zoo.
Again?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
