my mouth tastes like poor choices
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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