There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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