saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
